If-you-only-knew-me

I'm at a loss for words. And every poem that my bloodied hands try to spew out has turned into a book full of lies and shit scribbled onto tear stained pages. And as the waves pull me out to sea, I've come to realize that some things AREN'T meant to be. And every paper crane my anxious hands fold, is just a reminder that You're long gone. So I'm trying to find out how many days I can go without opening a single pill bottle. Maybe my breath will stop first before I consume another capsule of fake happiness. And I've only just realized something, so I only have one last question. What happens when I never become myself again?

When I was innocent, I ignored the monster because I thought maybe if I became more popular than depression, I wouldn't have to talk to her anymore. Those were the days when you played with my hair, and sang me to sleep. When I grew older, I learned monsters always have friends. I tried to convince myself that I could survive, and surrounded myself with people I liked to call my friends, and tried to pull them close while anxiety slowly pushed every one away. That was the year we never spoke, but I wrote you 478 letters. When I grew up, My monsters devoured most of my soul As they invited their friends in, encompassing me in a beautifully

You are the night. And the sun is the days we're apart. Hold me close, let me hear you breathe in the moon and exhale the stars. Caress me with love made of darkness, yet turned into beauty. Remind me why falling in love with black, was the best decision I ever made. Bring me back to earth by getting lost in your comet clustered eyes. By morning, I'll shatter. But you will fix me again when night comes.

He said he listened to her words and cried, And I told him I listen to my heartbeat and sob. And he doesn't understand Why when I see a bridge, I think: jump. And he thinks: hold on to the railings. Why when I weep on the phone, He'd ask "What's the reason?" And often there'd never be one. And he never understands, He doesn’t see the scars On my wrist! Or even more, The ones on my heart! And he doesn't know my kind of loneliness Because with me, It's like the people are there, But they never speak, they never care! And they simply exist in a realm Of non-understanding, pretending, that you're listening So you can live with yoursel

On the night you built your walls back up, mine completely fell down. So tell me love, How does your heart feel after having boulders thrown upon it? Because all I can feel, was the relief of my walls coming d o w n and then the disappointment of my heart being torn out. You said it would never get this far.. But baby we're already in too deep.

Boxes for you, and only from me. Words poured out from too many silences that have lasted far too long. Everything my pale lips never had the courage to kiss or to speak, or to say anything about how much I still love you. The beats of my heart make up the tempo of the thoughts that will never race through your mind. But rather the thoughts that stay hidden in my box.. Your box, of everything. And anything. My countless "Goodbye, I still love you"s and infinite "I miss you, please, come back." Or the occasional "You're killing me, sweetly, softly, gently, beautifully, you're killing me." All safe. All sound. All locked up, In boxes.

And suddenly, The skies were a bit grayer, but that made them even more beautiful, and my hands seemed a bit softer, because yours were holding them. And mirrors seemed a bit kinder, because now they showed something I wanted to see. And suddenly I felt different, and that's because I was. Because suddenly, I felt loved. For the first time, I felt loved. So suddenly I was much more happy. And suddenly things were more perfect. And suddenly life was harder to hate. Because suddenly...                                   there was you.

Your words speak to me like compliments. Both not there.

Soul, I know it hurts. I know you're sorry That you're not perfect enough for them. I know you cry When you think about the goodbyes I, and I alone have caused. I know I make you angry. I know I make you sad. I know it's not you that pulls knives across skin. It's me. Monster. I didn't ever want this for you. You had so much potential. Soul, I'm sorry you have to live with me. And I'm sorry this body isn't big enough for the two of us. But we're stuck here for awhile. So I guess I'll just keep apologizing, And you'll forever be asking, pleading, for me to leave, for me to stop, for me to help for once. Soul, carry on. I know it's h

Monster, run, run, run away. Don't let them see your face, Monster, turn away. Monster, stop yelling, You're too angry for me. There's evil in this dwelling. Monster, smile, be happy. We don't like it when you're snappy. Monster, hiding away, predictable and punishable, You were led so astray. Monster, look up, look up towards Heaven, and out of this hell. All will be well. You're prettier this way. Don't let those hazel eyes Turn grey. Monster, stop it, you're hurting me, You're breaking me, You're killing me.